Its not been easy, no its not, a lot of hard work has gone into chipping away this calcium shell, and I can tell you its coming down, HOORAY, yes its coming down. I have been shoveling in calcium pills and watching the carbs, I have been working on the bloody "spiritual defensive" pattern that is part to blame for the shell in the first place and I am very pleased to say ITS COMING DOWN...
Now don't get me wrong I have a long way to go and a lot of forgiving to do, to get there. But you know I love talking about the "road" and I gotta tell you, I am on the right road. This is the road I have been looking for, for a long time and it just feels right now.
The shell began Id say in my teens when I went into secondary school. Or maybe even well before that. I don't remember much of my early childhood, except for the shouting. I was a shy kid and when I went to the new school I tried to hide the shyness, I got caught up with the girls that were louder than me. I played along with their jokes, their disruption of class. I tried to do the outrageous things that would win me brownie points, all the time pretending not to be shy.
I guess I started to put the shell up to help buffer the effects of the stress this new stage in my life was causing. I was 13 for god sake and totally lost in a world that felt too big for me. I wanted security, I wanted a blanket, but all I got was told off for being disruptive. Was I crying out for help, was I actually screaming to the teachers, I want help? Instead of getting the help, I got told off, I was told I was capable of a lot more, I was capable of being an A student, just put your head down and do the work. I don't even know what help I wanted, but I guess it was support, affection, attention, guidance or maybe just love. So after three years they had enough of me and I had enough of them, we parted company and I brought my shell with me to work in a Pet Shop.
So I left school, no education, but I felt grown up, I was only 15. I had a wage, I could do whatever I wanted. I could buy alcohol, I could buy cigarettes, and so my new life began. I might add I think this is one of the wrong turns I took on my journey to find the right road. :)
So to cut a long story short I continued to work, drink, smoke and eat total crap for another three years and then I fell pregnant at 18. This was devastating, my boyfriend whom I had fallen in love with, was 8 years older than me and an alcoholic. So here I am 18, an alcohol boyfriend who is way older than me and I don't know what the heck to do. So I tell my parents. Yes I told them and they said, I should have known better, and that they were very disappointed in me, but they would support me. And so the shell grew bigger, I was so stressed and embarrassed I was a complete failure, I had let everyone down and now I was an "unmarried mother" not just a delinquent.
So I think this period in my life had a big role to play in my shell. You see shells are not all bad, they are built to protect us from severe stress, stress our bodies are not able to cope with. So I guess I am grateful for the shell. Without it god knows what would have happened to me. Now, I know I am not the first teenager to have a baby and some girls are even younger than I was, but it is a lot to cope with and for me it felt like a disaster. I felt the shame. I felt I had really done something wrong.
And so after 9 long months and 2 stone heavier, I gave birth to a 9lb 8ounce baby boy. And he was beautiful. I couldn't help but stare at him for hours at a time. He was my baby. I was so happy. But you know the shame came flooding in the minute I walked out of that hospital door. I felt everybody was looking at me and pointing, look at that teenage mom over there... It was hard and the shell was growing now, getting stronger to protect me from the stress.
I think I still struggle today with the fact I had to bring my kids up without their father. Now don't get me wrong, this guy was an alcoholic, but he was a lovey alcoholic, and I loved him, I just knew though that we would have to part. It would never work, and to be honest I don't think my son lost out on him not being around all the time. But its the stereotyping , I still feel I should have given my son a proper family and proper home with a mam and a dad and not just a mam, not just me.
And so these feelings are caught up in the "calcium shell" and need to be dug out and dissected in order for the shell to come down. Writhing this is a help and I think I feel looser already, some shell gone. :)
So there you go some shell gone now, and I am well on my way to my destination. :)
Good bye for now :)
